Please,
Tell me that you're listening.
Tell me that you care.
Because I've given up all hope,
that someone is up there.
Tell me that it will be okay,
even if it's not true.
Please, tell me what I want to hear,
so it can help me through.
I'm buried under anxiety,
under pressure, under fear.
It's lonely and it's cold
and it's hopeless under here.
Please,
help me to see the light,
because the, hopefully,
these buried seeds of pain and doubt
will bloom and set me free.
It's funny how a lot of times it's the little, insignificant moments in your life that are the most memorable and the most meaningful. This morning I was listening to my iPod on shuffle when a song by Joe Pug came on. I thought about the time when Alyssa and I saw him perform at some random little bar in Urbana. It was just the two of us, splitting a cranberry vodka, doing some hardcore people watching, and listening to Joe rock out on the harmonica.
Another example is high school cross country. Although I had some amazing races and finished pretty close to the top in a decent amount of them, I wouldn't necessarily classify those my "best" cross country memories. The best ones include my garbage run group and I carrying Sarah Ko on a mattress during our trash presentation while singing our original song "Sleepy, Sleepy, Little Ko" (to the toon of Twinkle, T, Little Star), Hana belting out the Mulan song "Let's Get Down to Business" on Fairfax Friday runs, and going to an overcrowded Avanti's in Peoria to get our traditional fill of carbs.
Alyssa's senior year or high school (or maybe it was junior year) my mom and I went to watch her run and then stayed in an adorable little hotel that was North Woods themed. I vividly remember sitting down to a delicious seafood dinner at a nice restaurant, while looking out at the sun setting over the river. It was a magical moment. Small and insignificant, but magical none the less.
There is a quote that goes a long with this. And here it is...
On New Years day I went back to Bartlett with Stephanie, instead of staying an extra day in Iowa like my three friends, Kaity, Alaina, and Jessica were. I had driven to Iowa with them though. On January 2nd, my mom informed me that the three of them had gotten into a very serious car accident on their way back to Bartlett. The car had slid out on a bridge and was completely totaled. Kaity had a black eye and cuts and bruises. Jessica has a minor concussion. This happened early morning and they were all at the hospital until 6 PM that night. If I would have driven home with them, I would have been in that car too. They were fortunate that no one had any serious injuries. The pictures that I saw of the car were horrifying. It definitely could have been a lot worse. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. In situations such as this one, it's hard to determine what the reason for such a terrible accident may have been. Deep down inside I do believe that there is one though. I really wonder what my situation would have been if I was in that car though. Maybe it would have been bad, real bad. Maybe that's the reason why fate didn't put me in that situation. On the way to Iowa Kaity said to all of us that she had a bad and uneasy feeling. Creepy. The world can be so cruel and strange and confusing and unpredictable.
On a lighter note, I've decided that I'm doing to write a novel. I have a solid page and a half of it written. My goal is to finish it by the end of this year. I'm not sure if I will or if I will do anything with it once I do finish it, however long that takes. But I would love to be able to say that I've written a book.
Happy New Year everyone!
At first, I was somewhat skeptical about this "New Year, New You" philosophy that seems to be so often associated with the start of a new year. I thought to myself, why do people feel the need to wait until January 1st to start their new diet or new exercise plan or some other new years resolution? Why can't they just do it at any time? What makes January 1st so different and so special?
Then when I thought about it a little more I thought, why not? Why not look at the New Year as an opportunity to begin a new chapter in your life. To move on from all of the mistakes and regrets of the past year and start a fresh. To make a promise to yourself that you are going to make a conscious effort to change or to improve some specific aspect in your life.
Here is my short list of what I hope to accomplish in 2014:
- Find a better balance between work and play. I don't want to feel like I have to devote every moment of my time to school work. I want to be able to embrace and enjoy having free time, instead of having it make me feel anxious and guilty.
- Not be afraid to go after what I want. I want to be braver, more outgoing, more willing to take the first step. I don't want to feel the need to have someone to lead me in the right direction first.
- This one is going to be a challenge, but I really do want to try to be more flexible and more easy going.
