A Crack in the Wall

there's a crack
a crack in the wall
there's a crack
but we don't really notice it 
much at all
it's above the clock
(both indicating the passing of time)
but we don't really use that clock
it's more of the shrine 

the passing of time
minutes, seconds, days
it's somewhat frightening 
how quickly time 
seems to tick away

i wonder how (over time)
that crack came to be
i also wonder if 
i'll able to see
the importance of 
not letting the passing of time 
get the best of me. 

Well, 5 months later and here I am.  I'm done with student teaching.  In two days, I'll graduate from Illinois State.  Has it really been five whole months since I've written last? Wow, where does the time go?

A quick and condensed version of my student teaching experience at William Fremd High School in Palatine is as followed:

I had a very favorable set up, teaching Freshman Honors English, Freshman Reading Strategies, and Senior Expository Composition.  I learned SO MUCH and had a cooperating teacher who was SO KNOWLEDGEABLE. However, as wonderful as it was to work at a fabulous school in a fabulous district, I had several issues, slip ups, and struggles that, unfortunately, frequently seemed to overshadow the fact that I was devoting literally almost every waking moment to this gig.  I do miss my kiddos like crazy, but I definitely do not miss staying up until midnight every night and being under constant supervision and scrutiny. 

So now what?  Good question.  Actually, I'm already a substitute aide at Wheaton Warrenville South High School, AKA my dream school to work at.  Since I'm a fall graduate, I aspire to find a solid long term substitute position or a permanent substitute position.  It's the first time in my life when I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what I will be doing, say, one month from now or one year from now.  

I keep getting these fleeting, ill-conceived ideas that I am going to do something radical (radical for me that is).  These notions include teaching abroad in Spain or teaching/moving the the city.  Let's be real, I'm going to end up living at home and teaching in the burbs. like I always said I would.

I used to think that I didn't have any real, label-able, noteworthy fears.  It is true that drowning or psychotic murderers or death as all "frightening concepts," but I believe that being frightened by something and having a fear of it are two different entities.  Does that make sense? Eh, kind of. To me at least.

fear

noun

1.

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc.,whether the 

threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

I really fear making left turns while driving.  And the pressure of the cars behind me anxiously awaiting my move.  And the fact that there always seems to be a car facing me head on, also waiting to make that ominous left turn and are therefore blocking my view of oncoming traffic in the process.  And, if it's nighttime, are blinding me with the overly bright, pair of beaming lights that are radiating from their headlights. Do you know how many people die in left turn related crashes every single day? DO YOU? No? I don't either. But my guess is  A LOT (or at least several) people do. 

I also fear driving at night, getting terribly and hopelessly lost while driving, and backing into something for the forth time in my life. Clearly, my driving related anxieties are numerous. 

I fear bad first impressions, because it's a defining and impactful moment in which there are no second chances. I fear being defined by my initial behavior and actions and social ability and so on and so forth.  I fear that my OCD tendencies and my extreme need for control will lead to unfortunate consequences.

I fear getting injured again, especially after battling various injuries for over a year straight.  I fear that I won't be able to back off when my body starts to hurt, which is most likely part of the reason why I began this disheartening string of injuries in the first place.

However, I will continue to make left turns, waiting it out until I get my yellow light, not influenced by the perceived angry grumbles of my fellow cards in the left turn lane.  I won't let first impressions define me and I won't let those less than perfect first impressions get me down.  I will do my best to be flexible, even though it will be a struggle.  I will be smart and not run through the pain and back off when necessary. 

I've come to the realization that I do possess several fears. Is the threat real or imagined? I'd say a mixture of both.  Sometimes I worry that my fears will lead to me missing out on certain, valuable and exciting experiences.  I can only hope that my faith in my future and my abilities will be bigger than my fear. 

Hello, again.

Oops, I didn't realize that it has been so long since I've updated my blog.  Summer is definitely going by way too fast, and I don't like it. I'm pretty much in denial that I'm not going back to ISU when August rolls around.  It doesn't help that I still don't really know what is going on with my student teaching placement at Fremd High School.  

There is only one more week left of summer school, which is crazy.  Though it is definitely a challenge at times, I have really enjoyed being a summer school aid.  Tomorrow I take the Spanish content test that will determine if I can get the Spanish endorsement or not.  I'm freaking out but if I don't pass it the first time, I can always take it again, I suppose...

I need to make a serious effort to get outside more the rest of the summer. It's July 11 and I am still so, obnoxiously white.  NOT GOOD. Once this content test of out of my way, I also need to take more time to read books, relax, and simply enjoy my summer vacation.  

My grandma is staying with us for a few weeks.  Her short term memory is completely shot to the point where she doesn't even recognize her own family members the majority of the time.  We just laugh it off and answer the same few questions over and over and over and over again for her.  However, it's somewhat frightening how she will ask the same exact question about ten times during a single meal. I'm so curious as to what goes on inside her mind. 

I'm going to try to update my blog more often, but I can't make any promises. 

Why does everything have to be so complicated?

I've been feeling pretty down this past week or so.  I'm not in the mood to go into too much detail but let's just say that my seemingly perfect student teaching situation for the fall may either A. not happen or B. Not be as ideal as I thought. It also appears that once again my career options for the future are going to be determined by a single standardized test. Needless to say, I've been a little stressed and saddened over current pressures/issues. 

Working at Dairy Queen 5 days a week has been keeping me busy. I've also started my second job this week, working as a summer school aid at Bower Elementary School in Wheaton.   I was a little nervous about working with 6-9 year old special education kids, but they are so adorable and I'm loving working with them.

Summer school aid by day and Dairy Queen worker by night. That is my life this summer but that's okay I suppose.  At least I'll be able to put a lot of money in my savings account.  On an unrelated note, this is definitely the summer of weddings.  It's still hard for me to believe that I'm at that age when so many people that I know are getting engaged/married.  My neighbor Jen is getting married this Sunday in Chicago. I'm excited for that wedding! 

Losing Touch

Do you ever think about all of the people that you've completely lost touch with?  Those who you used to see each and every day.  The classmates with whom you ate lunch with every day in high school or a specific group of friends that you would often spend the weekends with.  The people who you were on numerous clubs or sports or organizations with. Thanks to the internet and social networks, some of these people aren't completely lost in our memories, reappearing periodically on our Facebook or Twitter news feeds.  Yet others, those who we didn't happen to "friend" on Facebook years ago, those who, for all we know, could have fallen off the face of the earth, are a complete and utter mystery.  What are these classmates/friends/acquaintances/teammates doing with their lives now-a-days?  Do they have jobs? Husbands/wives? Maybe even at this point in our lives, children of their own?  It's sort of sad that you can be so close to someone for a semester, a year, or even years and years, and then completely lose all relations and communications with them.  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if these people didn't gradually (or abruptly, I suppose) fade away in my life.  Unless they somehow reappear in it, I'll never know. 

It's about to downpour

I really want to work on writing my novel, but it sounds like too much thinking.
I really want to scrapbook, but it sounds like too much time and effort. 
I really want to do stuff to prepare for student teaching, but I have no idea what I could even do. 

So instead I'll just eat and workout and go to work at Dairy Queen and waste my free time with mindless activities such as Pinterest and Facebook and unnecessary shopping trips because, well, I'm on summer vacation and I guess that I deserve a break.

BUT that problem is that I feel like I can't take a break and be unproductive.  Which is why I've also been doing a lot of cleaning and organizing and dishes (so my dad doesn't have to clean them like he always does).  

This summer just feels weird. And different. And confusing (so far at least).  Then again, it's only Monday of week #2 of summer vacation.  I can't wait until Alyssa finally comes home from school so she can partake in these random shopping excursions with me. 

HAPPY =]

I have SO MUCH great news to share with you, my blogger friends! Most Importantly, I finally heard back from Fremd High School and I will officially be student teaching there in both English and Spanish classes in the fall. YES! I am so thankful that I have this amazing opportunity to do both English and Spanish because I really didn't think that it would happen.  I received the e-mail about this yesterday after I got back from the petting zoo on the quad.  There were goats, a llama, ducks, a bunny, a donkey, etc. It was awesome! I took a lot of great selfie photos with the llama since he (or she) was being very cooperative during our photo sesh.

Not only was yesterday a joyous day, filled with good news and petting zoos, but today was pretty awesome as well.  In the morning, I ran for the first time in 3 WHOLE MONTHS. Okay, it was 5 minutes on the treadmill but at least it was something.  The doctor told me I can do approximately a quarter mile for the entire first week It's going to be very, very hard not to do more than that. It's okay though, I'll take what I can get.  Then, on my bike ride back to my apartment from the rec., I found a $5 bill on the ground. Score! 

Before my classes started for the day, I went to pick up the certificate that I received for my hard-work and dedication to the Spanish Honors Society, Sigma Delta Pi.  It was all official and fancy and had a large gold border.  I only had three classes today as opposed to my usual four, in which I turned in my 25 page senior seminar paper and my ginormous teaching portfolio for my teaching of writing class.

So now I am officially done with taking classes as a college student (so crazy!) and on summer vacation.  It's pretty hard to believe.  I am so relieved and happy and thankful that everything seems to be falling into place for me. Oh, and here's one of my llama selfies. Enjoy.

The Luck of the Draw

I seem to be rather lucky when it comes to winning drawings/raffles.  For example, this past year or two I've won the following:

1.  An ISU sweatshirt blanket (valued at $35) from the monthly S.E.V.E.N. drawing.  S.E.V.E.N. is this program that is run by the Health Promotion and Wellness where you log your points for activities that fall within the seven dimensions of wellness (physical, intellectual, environmental, spiritual, vocational, emotional, social).
2. A sweet "I found the G-spot tank top. The G-spot is... well the website says it is a "portable wellness gazebo that is utilized by Health Promotion and Wellness" but to get to the point, they give out free condoms and sexual safety packets/info and such.  Not in an oppressive or annoying way though. The little gazebo is always moving its location around campus so when you found it you can explain "I found the G-spot!" hahaha. Oh sexual puns.
3. My awesome bike (valued at about $200) from the Earth Day Twitter contest. I like to call him Ed. If you tweeted your Earth Day plans to the ISU Sustainability Twitter account, you were entered into the drawing and I won! woo-hoo. 
4. I feel like there is another item or two that I have won but I can't remember at the moment...

Here is the thing though, I think I win so many drawings because I enter so many drawings.  I mean, if you're entering a large amount of raffles/drawings, you have a much higher change of actually winning them.  Probability is on my side, ya know?

In other news, although this is not an event relating to my "luckiness", I felt very fortunate when I received an e-mail today that three of my pieces of writing (two poems and one essay) are going to be published! I'M GOING TO BE FAMOUS. Just kidding. 
ISU has an online literary magazine called "The Euphemism" that comes out once a semester.  I submitted six pieces just for the hell of it.  I can't believe that half of them were chosen.  Okay, so not a lot of people know about "the Euphemism," especially since it's completely internet based, but still, estoy emocionada! If for some crazy reason teaching doesn't work out for me, I'll just become a writer instead. 

The Self

Today I was doing observation hours at Bloomington High School.  I was a somewhat bored and distracted though.  I wrote this lovely poem instead of taking observation notes like I should have been doing. 

                                           The Self

Yourself

You

The Self

skin and bones

flesh and blood

thoughts and feelings

a frightening and unfathomable compilation

breakable both inside and out

need verses want

restraint verses impulse

no matter how many friends or family

or lovers or classmates you have

in the end it's simply you.

Yourself

The Self

Alone,

with your thoughts.

Alone,

with your emotions.

an infinite steam of inner monologue.

no distinct beginning

and no end in sight.

unfiltered, unrelenting, unconscious

Love yourself

Love your neighbor

but above all

Love Yourself

because neighbors come and go

but The Self,

Yourself,
is the most important person you must know. 

Nobody likes you when you're 23

If you don't recognize the lyrics, that's a line from the Blink 182 song "What's My Age Again?"  It's somewhat relevant because I was feeling rather "eh" about turning 23. I suppose that part of the reason is that everyone still thinks I'm approximately 19 years old. I am positive that everyone is going to think that I'm a student at the school that I student teach at.  There is no way that anyone is going to see me and think that I'm old enough to be a student teacher.  Everyone tells me "It's a good thing to look young!"  Yeah, when you're in your 30's or 40's it may be.  But when you're 23 years old and you look like you're 21 at most, it's a little annoying.  Oh well, there are worse  things.  

Anyways, it turned out to be a great 23rd birthday!  My parents came and we walked around Uptown and had a delicious Mexican dinner at Los Potrillos.  When I returned to my apartment after dinner, I discovered that my roommate, Jessie, had planned a surprise party for me! She made a huge bowl of guacamole and brought delicious mini cupcakes from the new bakery in Uptown.  It was a lot of fun. 

I still can't believe I'm 23 years old.  I don't feel that old AT ALL.  I will not let Blink 182 bring me down though. 

It's been a while...

since I've written. Sorry! To be honest, my life hasn't been very eventful or exciting lately. I just go to classes, go to ESL observations, go to the gym, eat, sleep and repeat. However, there are a few major items that are noteworthy/super exciting:

1. Today my dad was able to buy 4 single-day passes to Lolla! It was a pretty stressful event. We were on the phone and both on the website exactly at 10:00 when the tickets went on sale.  But we were both on the stand-by page for almost 20 minutes.  Then when my dad got to the ticket page, they made you log in through Facebook and all of this other nonsense.  In the end, he got them though. Family trip to Lolla, Holla!

2. I'm FINALLY (almost 8 weeks later) crutch freeee! It's wonderful.  I've been biking and swimming at the rec. and loving every minute of it.  I'm so, so happy to be back to working out again.  It's still not running, but at least it's something. AND I'm back to riding Ed (calm down, that's my beautiful black bike). 

3. My parents are majorly spoiling me for my birthday (which is on Saturday).  They brought me an exercise bike for home which I used over spring break.  Then there was 2 gift cards in my birthday card.  Now my dad says he's paying for my Lolla ticket as a birthday present.  To be completely honest, I feel pretty guilty and unworthy of this overspending but hey, I guess I'll take it.  

4. I went home last weekend because Alyssa was on spring break.  It was awesome to be reunited as a family since my mom, dad, and I haven't seen Alyssa since January.  We went to the Variety show at my mom's school and ate delicious meals provided by chef Jeff. 

I promise I'll try to write more often.  A little over a month until I leave ISU for good. Ahh! I'm so scared for my student teaching interview on April 7th. 

Paraskevi

What's a "Paraskevi" you ask? Well, that's the name of my new teaching idol.

Although I am on spring break this week, I have been waking up at 4:30 AM (brutal) every day and spending six hours observing ESL classes at Wheaton Warrenville South High School.  My mom works there and talked to the ESL coordinator (Par) about me coming to do observations.  I need 100 hours of observation for my ESL practicum this semester. Also brutal. 

I wasn't thrilled at the idea of spending almost my entire spring break doing observations.  However, this experience was AMAZING.  Paraskevi (Par for short) teaches ESL 1-2 and ESL 4, both of which I observed all four days which I was there.  The students in ESL 1-2 were reading the short story "The Gift of the Magi."  On day three, she let me work with a small group to read the story.  On my fourth day, she had me teach the class for the entire class period. AH! We reviewed what we had read the day before, finished reading the story, took a reading comprehension quiz, and went over the quiz answers. 

Par kept giving me the nicest feedback such as "We are so glad to have you here!" and "You did so awesome! You're awesome!" Par is such an amazing, passionate, and skilled ESL teachers.  To be honest, before my experience helping out in her classroom, I was somewhat indifferent about the idea of being an ESL teacher.  I viewed it mostly as just something that I could add to my resume.  But after seeing Par teach and getting to teach myself, I obtained a new found love for ESL teaching.  It was definitely an eye opening experience.

I can't believe that I have seven weeks left here at ISU.  I don't want to say too much YET, because nothing is set in stone, but I have a possible student teaching placement that I'm really excited about.  Time is moving too quickly.  I'm scared to be out of college and in the real world, but I'm ready too. 

Athei-uddhism

That's the name on the new religion that I am intenting to create. It's a mixture of Atheism and Buddhism.  Lent started yesterday. I've decided that I'm not giving anything up for the fourth year in a row.  Sadly, I have become unjustly bitter about this whole lent situation.  I absolutely can't stand when people use lent as motivation to start a new diet or something like that.  If I did give something up, I would want it to be something that makes me a better person, but I can never think of something good that falls into the category.  I told Alyssa that I can't stand that all of the sudden everyone is in devote catholic mode when they aren't the other 325 days of the year. I like to refer to these people at "situational catholic."

 

Then, as she usually does, Alyssa called me out on my narrow-mindesness and grounded me in reality.  My wise little Buddha (as I refered to her as after she provided me with these words of wisdom) told me that there isn't any "right" way to do something like religion.  Touche.  I don't even know what I believe anymore.  I don't know what I want to believe.  Buddhism is really interesting and something that I would love to learn more about, but I don't have the resources or time to do so.  My gut feeling when thinking about the future is that I am not going to raise my children in any traditional church setting.  Unless my husband has distinct religous beliefs.  In that case, I'd probably just let him raise our children with his religion because I could really care less.

 

I don't think I would call myself an Atheist, but at this point in my life, that may be the closest religious description of myself that I can provide.  However, I would like to incorporate some Buddhist belief into my (non)following, hense the term Athei-uddhism. 

 

 

3:30 PM

That's what time it is right now.  Well, 3:23 if you want to be exact.  Since I don't have classes on Mondays/Wednesday/Fridays, I've determined that 3:30 PM on these days is my favorite time of the day, and here is why...

I wake up somewhat early every morning to run or workout or in my current situation do rehab exercises/core/arm strengthening for about 40 minutes.  I am a morning person and I do love exercising.  However, in the back of my mind I always feel a sort of time constraint to workout, shower, and get ready all before I venture into the kitchen for breakfast.

The time in between breakfast and lunch, I feel pressured to be productive and do homework.  However, I also feel like procrastinating and checking up on everything that I've missed since last night on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, etc.  Therefore, that time is not ideal either.

By the time 3:00 ish rolls around, I have gotten done a decent amount of homework for the day.  Usually, I relocate from my desk to my bed to do some less strenuous homework such as reading.  That, or I allow myself time to catch up on an episode of "How I Met Your Mother" or "Pretty Little Liars."  This is also the time when I eat my daily orange, like clockwork.  Hey, that's a books isn't it? Clockwork Orange? hahahaha. 

Anyways, It's a time when I feel accomplished (enough) and calm (enough).  You may be wondering (doubtful) what time I dislike the most.  Well, I'd have to say that lately it's been around 9:00 PM. I have nothing else to do and I'm tired and I really, really want to go to bed but I feel too guilty/old lady like going to bed three hours earlier than your average college student.  This is my life. Afternoon oranges and old lady bed times.  And I'm okay with that.  

Life Goes On

It really does. Just like the title of the excellent Noah and the Whale song, L.I.F.E. G.O.E.S. O.N. When I came home from the hospital a little over two weeks ago, I was totally and completely miserable.  I felt sad and scared and depressed and, worst of all, sorry for myself.  I absolutely can't stand self pity, but I couldn't help it. However, things are slowly but surely looking up.  I can shower again.  I no longer have to give myself a shot every morning.  I am not in much pain at all.  I'm once again ahead on my school work.  Even though I'm still on crutches (pretty treacherous in the winter I may add) I am able to go out and do things.  Originally, I thought that there was no way that I was going to be able to go to the Avett Brothers concert that I had already brought tickets to.  But I contacted the ticket lady and she made sure that my friend Jessie and I had a handicap seat.  The concert was yesterday and it was AMAZING. I love the Avett Brothers so much.  Sometimes the universe appears to be working against you, or maybe it doesn't just appear to be, but actually IS working against you. Who knows. Nevertheless, I am holding strong to my belief that everything happens for a reason, whether of not that reason every manifests itself in the end. 

Valentine's Day

It's 10:35 in the morning, and already I have this overwhelming feeling of just how much my family and friends love and care about me.  At the moment, I could care less that I don't have a Valentine.  I could care less that Valentines Day is super commercialized and too hyped up and is "singles awareness day."  I am not going to let the obnoxious amounts of Tweets and Facebook posts that are dominating my social network feeds bother me.  Here is why I am feeling so loved: 

First, my morning began with opening up one of my daily gifts from the Wheaton Warrenville South Special Services department (the school that my mom works at).  The department put together a large bag full of presents.  Each gift is dated and I get to open up one a day for about two weeks! It's awesome. It's the first thing that I do when I wake up in the morning. They also all signed a card for me and wrote a little message. It was very touching.  

Secondly, I go into the kitchen to find that my roommate Jessie had gotten each of us two frosted, sprinkled sugar cookies along with a cute little note attached to it.  Of course, I had to sample one of the cookies along with my breakfast. 

Then (and here is where I really started to get emotional) I opened up the Valentine's Day card from my dad.  There was a $25 iTunes gift card in it, which of course I appreciated.  However, the best part, without a doubt, was that he had filled up the entire inside of the card with a long and heartfelt message.  I started tearing up a bit as I read all of the uplifting and positive things that he had to say about me, my injury, and how proud he is of me.  It was beautifully written and to be completely honest, I didn't think that my dad possessed that sort of poetic writing ability.  My parents have been there for me throughout this entire terrible situation, and I couldn't feel more blessed to have them in my life.  

Lastly, I received a "Get Well" package in the mail from the New York Pojmans (my mom's brother and his family).  This package included a card, a huge bag of organic trail mix, and some mint chocolate cookie things.  Last week, the Swiatlo family sent me a get well card along with a $25 Jimmy John's gift card.  I feel spoiled! 

BROKEN.

Literally, broken.  My hip is was broken/fractured (apparently they are the same thing). I suffered through the entire weekend with a broken hip because I was too dumb/stubborn/in denial to go to the hospital.  When I had my appointment at the Student Health Services on Monday, they saw my x-ray and immediately called an ambulance to take me to the hospital.  I had surgery at about 5:00 that night.  I have a 7 inch incision on my leg that is stapled up.  I have a screw in my hip.  I have to give myself a shot in the stomach every morning.  I can't shower for 10 days.

 I'm just going to leave it at that. Because I don't have anything else to say.  

Oh wait, I do have a final thought.  I love my mom.  I love her for how much she cares about me and how much she helped me through these past few days from hell.  

Sorry, but I just need to vent.

I haven't been writing much lately, and I probably won't be for a while.  To some extent, I've been shutting myself off from everyone and everything.  I'm trying as hard as I can to stay strong, but it's been a struggle.  Two weeks ago I strained my groin muscle while out on a run.  It was freezing cold and super windy.  I was about half a mile from my apartment, so I slowly and painfully limped back.  I was devastated.  Especially since four months ago I had a very similar terrible experience and strained the groin muscle on the other leg.  However, my injury was getting better.  I was able to walk around fine. I was even to the point where I was able to do some cross training (biking, weights, etc.) at the gym.  After an excellent workout yesterday morning, I was happy that things were finally starting to look up. 

Around 11 AM yesterday, I went to take the recycling to the bins that are about a block down the street.  There was a lot of it.  I was carrying a box full of bottles and cardboard along with a garbage bag full of other random recyclables.  All of the sudden I stepped wrong on an uneven piece of sidewalk and went down, HARD, RIGHT ON MY STRAINED GROIN/HIP.  I couldn't move.  I've never been in so much pain in my entire life.  The ambulance came.  They could barely get me into the car.  My leg was shaking uncontrollably.  There was shooting pain all through my hip and groin. Last night, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to lift my leg enough to get into my bed.  So I just sat there, in pain, not sure what to do. I hate, hate, hate self pity.  But it's hard to avoid when you can't even bend over enough to put socks on your cold feet. 

I know that there are always worse things that could have happened.  I know that there is nothing that I can do about it now. I know that this blog post sounds all dramatic and like I'm asking for sympathy or something.  I'm not.  Don't feel bad for me, because that would just make me feel bad that you are feeling bad for me.  It's a vicious cycle.  It's ironic that two weeks ago when I strained my groin, I felt like it was the end of the world.  But now I'm aware that it wasn't as bad as it could have been.  Now, I'm in sooo much more pain.  I'm so much more limited on what I can do.  Now my pain from two weeks ago doesn't even seem so bad.  

I'm just going to say it, because it's the truth.  Because I need to get it off my chest.  Because I need to get over it and move on and be strong and be positive.  I am totally and completely miserable right now.  Well, I suppose that it can only go up from here. I hope...

HELP

Please,
Tell me that you're listening.
Tell me that you care.
Because I've given up all hope,
that someone is up there.

Tell me that it will be okay,
even if it's not true.
Please, tell me what I want to hear,
so it can help me through.

I'm buried under anxiety,
under pressure, under fear.
It's lonely and it's cold
and it's hopeless under here.

Please, 
help me to see the light, 
because the, hopefully,
these buried seeds of pain and doubt
will bloom and set me free. 

The Little Things

It's funny how a lot of times it's the little, insignificant moments in your life that are the most memorable and the most meaningful.  This morning I was listening to my iPod on shuffle when a song by Joe Pug came on.  I thought about the time when Alyssa and I saw him perform at some random little bar in Urbana.  It was just the two of us, splitting a cranberry vodka, doing some hardcore people watching, and listening to Joe rock out on the harmonica.  

Another example is high school cross country.  Although I had some amazing races and finished pretty close to the top in a decent amount of them, I wouldn't necessarily classify those my "best" cross country memories.  The best ones include my garbage run group and I carrying Sarah Ko on a mattress during our trash presentation while singing our original song "Sleepy, Sleepy, Little Ko" (to the toon of Twinkle, T, Little Star), Hana belting out the Mulan song "Let's Get Down to Business" on Fairfax Friday runs, and going to an overcrowded Avanti's in Peoria to get our traditional fill of carbs. 

Alyssa's senior year or high school (or maybe it was junior year) my mom and I went to watch her run and then stayed in an adorable little hotel that was North Woods themed.  I vividly remember sitting down to a delicious seafood dinner at a nice restaurant, while looking out at the sun setting over the river.  It was a magical moment.  Small and insignificant, but magical none the less.  

There is a quote that goes a long with this. And here it is... 

that could have been me.

On New Years day I went back to Bartlett with Stephanie, instead of staying an extra day in Iowa like my three friends, Kaity, Alaina, and Jessica were.  I had driven to Iowa with them though.  On January 2nd, my mom informed me that the three of them had gotten into a very serious car accident  on their way back to Bartlett.  The car had slid out on a bridge and was completely totaled.  Kaity had a black eye and cuts and bruises.  Jessica has a minor concussion.  This happened early morning and they were all at the hospital until 6 PM that night.  If I would have driven home with them, I would have been in that car too.  They were fortunate that no one had any serious injuries.  The pictures that I saw of the car were horrifying.  It definitely could have been a lot worse.  I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.  In situations such as this one, it's hard to determine what the reason for such a terrible accident may have been.  Deep down inside I do believe that there is one though.  I really wonder what my situation would have been if I was in that car though.  Maybe it would have been bad, real bad.  Maybe that's the reason why fate didn't put me in that situation.  On the way to Iowa Kaity said to all of us that she had a bad and uneasy feeling.  Creepy.  The world can be so cruel and strange and confusing and unpredictable.  

On a lighter note, I've decided that I'm doing to write a novel.  I have a solid page and a half of it written.  My goal is to finish it by the end of this year.  I'm not sure if I will or if I will do anything with it once I do finish it, however long that takes.  But I would love to be able to say that I've written a book.  

2014

Happy New Year everyone! 

At first, I was somewhat skeptical about this "New Year, New You" philosophy that seems to be so often associated with the start of a new year. I thought to myself, why do people feel the need to wait until January 1st to start their new diet or new exercise plan or some other new years resolution?  Why can't they just do it at any time?  What makes January 1st so different and so special?

Then when I thought about it a little more I thought, why not?  Why not look at the New Year as an opportunity to begin a new chapter in your life.  To move on from all of the mistakes and regrets of the past year and start a fresh.  To make a promise to yourself that you are going to make a conscious effort to change or to improve some specific aspect in your life.

Here is my short list of what I hope to accomplish in 2014:

• Find a better balance between work and play.  I don't want to feel like I have to devote every moment of my time to school work.  I want to be able to embrace and enjoy having free time, instead of having it make me feel anxious and guilty.  
• Not be afraid to go after what I want.  I want to be braver, more outgoing, more willing to take the first step.  I don't want to feel the need to have someone to lead me in the right direction first.
• This one is going to be a challenge, but I really do want to try to be more flexible and more easy going.