Well, 5 months later and here I am. I'm done with student teaching. In two days, I'll graduate from Illinois State. Has it really been five whole months since I've written last? Wow, where does the time go?
A quick and condensed version of my student teaching experience at William Fremd High School in Palatine is as followed:
I had a very favorable set up, teaching Freshman Honors English, Freshman Reading Strategies, and Senior Expository Composition. I learned SO MUCH and had a cooperating teacher who was SO KNOWLEDGEABLE. However, as wonderful as it was to work at a fabulous school in a fabulous district, I had several issues, slip ups, and struggles that, unfortunately, frequently seemed to overshadow the fact that I was devoting literally almost every waking moment to this gig. I do miss my kiddos like crazy, but I definitely do not miss staying up until midnight every night and being under constant supervision and scrutiny.
So now what? Good question. Actually, I'm already a substitute aide at Wheaton Warrenville South High School, AKA my dream school to work at. Since I'm a fall graduate, I aspire to find a solid long term substitute position or a permanent substitute position. It's the first time in my life when I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what I will be doing, say, one month from now or one year from now.
I keep getting these fleeting, ill-conceived ideas that I am going to do something radical (radical for me that is). These notions include teaching abroad in Spain or teaching/moving the the city. Let's be real, I'm going to end up living at home and teaching in the burbs. like I always said I would.
I used to think that I didn't have any real, label-able, noteworthy fears. It is true that drowning or psychotic murderers or death as all "frightening concepts," but I believe that being frightened by something and having a fear of it are two different entities. Does that make sense? Eh, kind of. To me at least.
1.
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc.,whether the
threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
I really fear making left turns while driving. And the pressure of the cars behind me anxiously awaiting my move. And the fact that there always seems to be a car facing me head on, also waiting to make that ominous left turn and are therefore blocking my view of oncoming traffic in the process. And, if it's nighttime, are blinding me with the overly bright, pair of beaming lights that are radiating from their headlights. Do you know how many people die in left turn related crashes every single day? DO YOU? No? I don't either. But my guess is A LOT (or at least several) people do.
I also fear driving at night, getting terribly and hopelessly lost while driving, and backing into something for the forth time in my life. Clearly, my driving related anxieties are numerous.
I fear bad first impressions, because it's a defining and impactful moment in which there are no second chances. I fear being defined by my initial behavior and actions and social ability and so on and so forth. I fear that my OCD tendencies and my extreme need for control will lead to unfortunate consequences.
I fear getting injured again, especially after battling various injuries for over a year straight. I fear that I won't be able to back off when my body starts to hurt, which is most likely part of the reason why I began this disheartening string of injuries in the first place.
However, I will continue to make left turns, waiting it out until I get my yellow light, not influenced by the perceived angry grumbles of my fellow cards in the left turn lane. I won't let first impressions define me and I won't let those less than perfect first impressions get me down. I will do my best to be flexible, even though it will be a struggle. I will be smart and not run through the pain and back off when necessary.
I've come to the realization that I do possess several fears. Is the threat real or imagined? I'd say a mixture of both. Sometimes I worry that my fears will lead to me missing out on certain, valuable and exciting experiences. I can only hope that my faith in my future and my abilities will be bigger than my fear.
