I'm tired of pretending.

I'm tired of pretending that I'm willing to change being rigid or that I'm willing to break away from my routine that I'm comfortable with. 

I know that I have some extreme OCD tendencies that hold me back from doing things.
I know that I'm not adventurous or spontaneous or easy going. 
I know that this is unfortunate and it sucks, but I also know that there are worse things.

No, I don't want to go shopping 30 minutes before lunchtime and eat lunch at 3:30 PM. 
I'll eat my lunch around noon, like I always do. 
No, I don't want to sleep in instead of getting up early to run at the same time every single day. 
I'll run my 5+ miles while everyone else is sleeping, like I always do.  
No, I don't want to eat something else for lunch.  
I'll eat my delicious veggie sandwich, piece or fruit, and dessert like I do every single day.

Completely unnecessary and obsessive compulsive? Yes.
Well too bad, that's just who I am and I can't change that. 

Adulthood and Christmas

I can't get over the lives of some of the people that I went to high school with.  Kaity is off roughing it in the wilderness of Nevada.  Steph is off in the real world with a real job with a real paycheck. I just read this one guy from high school's blog post about living and teaching in Africa.  Then there are the numerous people who are engaged or married. They're buying their own places and starting a completely new life. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm 22 years old, soon to be 23.  Honestly, I feel more like I'm 19 or 20.  I definitely don't feel any older than 21, if that.  

Christmas is a week away and I'm done buying Christmas presents from my mom, dad, and Alyssa.  I would love to spend more on them or buy presents for my friends but 1. I have no money, no income, and I hate using my debit card or taking money from my dad. 2. My friends and I don't really even exchange gifts so there isn't much of a point to go out of my way to get them stuff.  We might be doing a White Elephant gift exchange or something though so that would be something at least.

While I'm on the topic of Christmas, I've felt strangely indifferent about it this year.  I haven't felt like listening to Christmas music, which is so unlike me.  I'm not really even excited about it.  I am excited to go to Kentucky and see Grandma, the Gergels, and the New York Pojmans though.  

Randomness

I always think of numerous topics that I could blog about and then forget all of them when I sit down to write.  So, I will just make a blog post about random things that I can think of to blog about.

I'm pretty much done with classes for the semester.  I have one final on Wednesday but I'm not too concerned about it.  I didn't get much studying done with weekend which makes me feel super guilty.  However, I have two entire days of nothingness to study for it still.  So I just need to relax.

Today when I went "grocery shopping" in the dining center they had pears and grapes and fresh Parmesan Cheese and delicious M & M cookie bars.  It was a very successful grocery shopping trip.

I can't get over the fact that I have one semester left of college.  
I'm so scared to 1. student teach. 2. enter into the "real world." 

I've decided that I really must make it a priority over break to read more novels.  I always say that I'm going to read in my free time, but then get distracted by other activities such as crafting and baking and organizing.  

So yeah, a pretty random and pointless post but I felt the need to post SOMETHING since I've barely been blogging these past few months.  

Winter

I've stopped pretending that I like winter.  I hate it.  I hate being cold all the time.  I hate having to drive or bike or walk or run in bad weather.  I hate wearing 573 layers every time I leave the house.  I'm not saying that I don't enjoy certain aspects of winter.  Snow is nice, but it is also cold and hazardous.  I love Christmas, but that's just one day of the long and brutal winter.  I love drinking hot chocolate and hot tea and other delicious holiday drinks, but I drink warm beverages know matter what the temperature is.  Cold weather is not a factor in my hot beverage consumption rate.  I also hate how it gets dark obnoxiously early.  It makes me so disoriented.  When it gets dark at 4:00 in like should I be eating dinner?  Is it almost time for bed?  Nope.  I wish I could just go south for the winter and then return in the spring.  That would be convenient.  At least winter is gorgeous to look at in pictures.  I will give it that.  

Black Thursday

This year a bunch of stores are opening on Thanksgiving night instead of the traditional early Friday morning.  It's ridiculous and unnecessary and sad that our society it that driven by trying to please consumers that stores feel the need to open on Thanksgiving.  This morning on Facebook I saw an article that perfectly sums up my thought on this issue.  The article is titled "If You Shop on Thanksgiving, You Are Part of the Problem."  I highly recommend that you read it.  Here is the link.
 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/matt-walsh/shopping-on-thanksgiving_b_4310109.html

Although there are many great lines in the article, here is one of my favorites:
"How appropriate, then, that a holiday created by our ancestors as an occasion to give thanks for what they had, now morphs into a frenzied consumerist ritual where we descend upon shopping malls to accumulate more things we don't need. Our great grandparents enjoyed a meal and praised the Lord for the food on the table and the friends and family gathered around it. We, having slightly altered the tradition, instead elect to bum-rush elderly women and trample over children to get our hands on cheap TVs."

SO TRUE.  Not to mention how sad it is that the store workers have to leave their families and miss thanksgiving dinner just so we can trample each other for sale items when we should be home with our own families giving thanks for what we have.  Although I could write a lot more on this, I'll leave it at that.

Reality.

The other day I was in major procrastination mode.  I decided to catch up on some TV shows such as How I Met Your Mother and Glee.  It's convenient that certain websites let you watch all of the episodes for free without having to download anything.  The How I Met Your Mother episode was super adorable.  In the end, Ted proposed to "the mother" on top of a beautiful lighthouse that overlooked the ocean.  Glee was also enjoyable.  Kurt was holding auditions for a band he was creating.  This one guy came to audition and was freaking amazing.  

After watching these two shows:
1. I wished that I had a cute and romantic guy like Ted.  Ted and the mom (did they say her name yet? I can't remember) are so in love and it's so cute and I'm so jealous.  
Even the two gay guys on Glee are an adorable couple! I am even jealous of their relationship (in a non-homosexual way though haha). When Blaine proposed to Kurt it made me tear up a bit, which is very unlike me.  

[side note: speaking of homosexuals, Illinois finally passed the same sex marriage bill this week.  Yay!]

2. I wished that I could wow people with an amazing talent (it doesn't have to be singing).

I really am perfectly content with my life, my (lack of) dating situation, the talents that I do have, etc.  But when I watch these shows I can't help but think to myself I WANT THAT.  Even though it is a show and not reality, there is some truth behind it.  I've seen real life couples who appear as soul mate worthy as TV show lovers.  However, the show ends and I continue on with my day. I forget about all of the things  that the shows made me wish that I had in my life.  I'm 22 years old.  I have time.  

      

I'm scared.

I'm scared to be done with college and I'm scared to be a student teacher.
I'm scared to get injured again and I'm scared that my legs and hips will never stop being tight/sore/achy like they have been for a month straight.
I'm scared that I'm too anxious and too obsessive compulsive and too unwilling to change. 

But I know that I can overcome all of these fears and concerns because I really have no other choice than too.  Eventually, I will be done with college and student teaching and be out in the real world.  My body will do whatever it wants to do so all that I can do is take care of it to the best of my ability.  If I ever want to be spontaneous or travel or get out of my comfort zone, I'm the only one that can make that happen.  

I don't know where I am going with this post.  All that I know is what the question "what are you afraid of?" presents itself, the furthest things from my mind are those that are the most common or obvious choices, such as spiders, drowning, death, ghosts, etc.  I'm scared of the uncertainty of the future.  But I'm excited about it too.   

  

WHY

Why am I always the only roommate who ever takes out the trash or cleans the kitchen counters or cleans the stove top/microwave or wipes down the bathroom counter? Seriously though.  Do people not realize that they leave crumbs on the kitchen table EVERY SINGLE DAY or do they just not care? Do they not notice how quickly the bathroom sinks and counters get all gross and grimy or are they just too careless to do anything about it? 

I've lived with four different sets of apartment roommates (woah, that's a lot) and to some extent, this has always been the case.  Except for the Brittany/Katelyn/Maureen apartment set up.  We did a good job of having everyone clean up after themselves.  Here's the problem though.  I always think to myself Okay Kristen, DO NOT take out the trash for the sixth time in a row.  Wait it out. Force someone else to do it.  But then I always break down and do it anyways.  I can't help it.  

There are worse things I suppose, but it's just annoying.  Me being super non-confrontational, would never bring it up to any of them.  I just feel like people are so oblivious sometimes.  Once when I went to take the recycling to the bin I found a can of soup with a bunch of soup still left in the bottom.  Isn't it common sense to rinse out a can before putting it in the recycling bin? I guess not.  That same week I got leftover chili on my arm from someone not rinsing out that can either.  

I really do wonder if its being oblivious to it or just simply not caring enough to do anything about it.  I guess I will never know.  

Death

I don't understand it.  I don't want to acknowledge it.  I don't want to worry about it.  I don't want to think about it.  I don't want anything to do with it because, in reality, is there anything positive or happy or uplifting or pleasant about it?

My Papa died today.  Some would say he "passed away" or that he "is in a better place now." But no, he died. He is the opposite of alive.  What does the verb passing have to do with the word dying?  Nothing. 

I am experiencing a very similar grieving experience as when my Grandma passed away several years ago.  I feel so...honestly, I can't even put it into words but I'll try.  I feel empty and hollow and almost (I absolutely hate to say this) but emotionless.  I just don't want to confirm in my mind that it's real.  That I'll never see him again.  That he is literally gone forever. 

Oh my god, I hate this.  I hate thinking about that concept, which is why I don't.  As I was searching for a quote for this blog post, the song "I'll Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie came on.  Well, that is when I started to get really emotional.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I get teary eyed and emotional when I listen to really amazing songs or really sad songs, yet I can't even feel the the same deep and profound emotions with the death of my own grandfather.  THAT is what makes me want to cry. 

I'm more confused than sad, which is terrible and making me sad but not about death and now I don't even know what I'm saying or feeling.  This is a vicious cycle.  Ayuda.   

People Wait...

This Quote. Wow. It's scary how true it is.  And how sad it is at the same time.  We are always waiting impatiently and anxiously for Fridays.  What we really need to be doing is enjoying each and every day of the week.  I'm always thinking how I just want it to be the weekend until I really stop and think about it.  Actually, sometime I prefer the weekdays.  I like the routine and seeing my classmates and being out and about on campus with a reason and a purpose.  We wait all year for summer break and then find ourselves bored and hot and wishing it was cool again.  The only one that I would disagree with is the last one.  Happiness has so many degrees and so many levels that I don't believe that we really wait around for it.  I mean, some people might but I don't.  Seriously though, I am going to try really hard to not wait around for Fridays or for Summer or for anything.  I am going to try to embrace and love each and every day, each and every season, each and every moment (whether it's a good one or not). It's a lot to attempt, but all I can do is try right? 

Trapped in the Midwest?

I was going to write about something a bit more deep and profound, but my brain is feeling a bit fried at the moment so that will have to wait.  

These past few days have been feeling more cool and fall-like.  However, whenever the weather changes and it starts to get cold outside, I am reminded of how cold and depressing and long winter is.  Uhg, I hate being cold.  In winter I'm always cold.  If the weather is like is was last year, we will pretty much just skip over fall and go right from summer weather to winter hats/coats/gloves/scarfs weather.  It's dark at like 4:00, which makes me want to hibernate in my apartment and never leave.  Sure, celebrating Halloween makes a reappearance in college, which is fun. But it's not the same at all as when you are a kid.  

Okay, enough negative things about the cold.  There are some things that I LOVE about fall and winter.  I love wearing hoodies and sweats.  I love the spirit of the holidays.  I love that Thanksgiving and Christmas break are coming up. I love pumpkins flavored things and apple flavored things.  I love the look of the changing leaves and the look of snow covering the ground.   

Most of the typical fall activities (carving pumpkins, hayrides, apple pickings, etc.)  I probably won't even get the opportunity to do.  I want to go apple picking! 

Sadly, college has instilled in me a deep, dark, hatred (okay hate is a little strong) a dislike of winter.  Having to ride my bike in freezing cold to class every day is not fun.  One solution would be to try to get a teaching job in a warmer state so that I don't have to deal with winter weather.  I really can't see myself leaving the Midwest though.  I'll be student teaching back home in the Chicago suburbs.  After student teaching, I will most likely apply for jobs in that area.  I don't want to move far away from my parents.  I like Illinois.  I like the flat, dry, corn fields.  I don't need to be by the mountains or by the ocean or by the city.  I think that the ordinariness of Illinois fits me and my personality.  Therefore, I think I will always be "trapped" in the Midwest.  But that is okay with me.

   

Past, Present, and Future

My blog is finally functioning correctly again. Hurrah!

I am finally able to run daily again and I can't even explain how happy I am about it. I am trying to be careful though, since I am not 100% healed just yet, and keep my runs relatively short for the time being. It's really crazy just how easy it is to forget how blessed we are for everything that we have. My new goal is to make a constant effort to take time to appreciate all that I have and all that I am able to do. I also think that it's really important to not simply overcome the struggles and hardships that we encounter and then move on and forget them. Sure, they are often situations that we would rather pretend never happened, but we shouldn't and here is why...

Well for starters, there are about 69378 quotes about learning from the past. Here are some excellent examples:

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”
- Mother Teresa

"You must understand and learn from your past to live your best now and be able to plan for your future."

-Jerry Bruckner

"The past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or you can learn from it."

-The Lion King

And now I'm going to get a little more personal.  The other day I was doing the "backwards photo test" on my Facebook pictures.  In case you don't know what this is, it is when you go to someone's most recent Facebook picture, and instead of going to the right, you go left and see the oldest pictures that they have.  It's usually pretty funny because you come across their high school prom and homecoming pictures and embarrassing stuff like that.  When I did this on my own Facebook, I came across some pictures from high school cross country.  It was gross.  My body was so terribly thin.  I looked sickly.  

I am happy to report that I've gained about about 14 pounds since I was at my all time low in highs school.  You might not know this about me, but I lost an extreme amount of weight in high school to the point where it was dangerously low.  I know that this might be hard to believe considering I'm still on the rather thin side, but it's the truth.  I stepped on the scale at the rec. a week ago, and I am FINALLY in the healthy weight/BMI range.  Gaining weight isn't as easy as it may seem.  It is a long, slow, and painful process.

I am/was an interesting case because I was not in denial that I was too thin.  I knew that I needed to gain weight, but when you run as much as I do and eat as healthy as I do, it's not exactly easy.  Today, I decided that I would put on jeans for the first time in...hmm maybe a month, or more?  One of the pairs of jeans that I have was waaay too tight.  I couldn't get them over my hips.  Victory! It's little instances like this one that let me know that I CAN do this.  I can maintain a healthy weight and be completely okay with what goes along with it.  

This is really unlike me and I feel sort of awkward about posting this, but I think that it really emphasized just how far I have come.  

I don't want to forget those hellish years of my life, when I was skin and bones and felt helpless, depresses and lost.  Instead, I want to use that experience as something that I can both learn from and move on from.  Everyday is a new day.  Florence Welsh says it beautiful in one of my favorite songs of hers, "It's always darkest before the dawn." 

Wait, there's a school here?

My blog STILL isn't working correctly so again, sorry about the lack of spacing. On Friday I observed at a catholic school in Normal called Epiphany. I actually took my parents to the church for Easter mass last year. I had no idea there was a school there too! It's an elementary school and a junior high school. The teacher that I am observing teaches 5th grade in the morning and junior high language arts in the afternoon. Their baseball team made it to state and apparently the entire junior high got to go and watch it, so I couldn't observe them in the afternoon. There were a few pretty comical instances though that I want to mention. The first thing that the students were assigned to do was create a MISSING poster about the missing princess in the book that they have been reading. One of the students asked "Is it sort of like a WANTED poster?" The teacher responded that it sort of was except that the princess was not wanted, she was missing. As the students worked on their posters, another student asked "Instead of writing WANTED, can we put MISSING?" The teacher responded "She's NOT wanted, she's missing!" hahaha. As I was looking through the students' language notebooks, they had a page called "the memory hand." On this page they traced their hand and then had each find be an emotion, such as excited, upset, angry, and nervous. The emotion was written on each finger along with a memory that corresponded with that emotion. One student had written for his anger memory "angry-when I chocked on a grape." There were some other pretty funny things written in their notebooks, such as one girls "I love..." heart that included bunnies, 5th grade, Justin Bieber, Miley, and apples. I also followed the students to their half hour Spanish lesson with a different teacher. These 5th grade students were probably better at Spanish than most of the Bartlett High School Level one Spanish students are. I hope that they offer Spanish in my middle school now because when I was there we had French in our rotation classes, which means that we took it for a few weeks and that was it. Personally, I think that everyone should learn a foreign language. I mean, if we are required to take subjects like science and math and social studies in high school, why shouldn't we also be required to take a foreign language class too??

The English Language

Well, at least I found a way to write, but I still don't think I'll be able to press enter. Oh well this will do for now. This semester I have two TESOL classes (AKA ESL or English as a Second Language). One of my professors is from Turkey and the other one is from China or Korea or one of those Asian countries. My professor from Turkey is super pregnant and has this adorable accent and cute long, frizzy hair. Anyways, she was saying how when she first came to America she knew someone who would always end his statements with "you know what I mean?" Obviously, this was just a filler that he used like "ya know?" But she was so confused as to why he was always asking her if she understood. She thought it was because she was foreign and a second language learner. It's so interesting learning these little, pragmatic aspects about learning a second language. Another example was given by one of my classmates. He mom is a native Spanish speaker and often gets prepositions mixed up. For example, instead of saying "in you dreams" she always says "on your dreams." I totally get Spanish prepositions mixed up too. Then there are those common English saying that second language learners would be like "what the hell is this person saying?!" such as "it's raining cats and dogs," "I swear to God," etc. I know there are a ton but I can't think of anymore right now. Something else really strange/interesting; animals don't make the same sounds in different languages! In Spanish a dog goes "guau guau" and a cat goes "maiu" hahaha. I hope that I didn't bore you too much with this information about language variations.

Technical Difficulties

Ah! For over a week my blog had been messed up. It wouldn't let me type anything and it was very sad and unfortunate. The is one of the many reasons that I haven't written in ages, and I apologize. It still isn't working correctly because I can't enter and am in "HTML" mode, whatever that means. Uhhg so that is why the layout of this post is not ideal. Here is an entry that I wrote about a week ago that I couldn't post: What If... What if we went to class simply to learn what we should know and what we need to know. What if we actually remembered everything that we learned and utilized it in our lives and in our careers. What if there were no quizzes and no tests and no homework and no deadlines and no gradebook. What if instead of frantically trying to copy down an entire lesson via PowerPoint, or spending an entire weekend shut up in our room doing homework, We were simply required to sit there in class, taking it all in, writing down only the things that would be useful for us to know at some point in the future. Well, then any one and everyone could get a degree in whatever their heart desired. And we'd have inexperienced and unprepared doctors, teachers, lawyers, buisness owners. It would be nice though, if learning worked that way. What if we didn't have to work a 9-5 job every weekday of our lives? What if instead we could spend our time exploring and traveling and reading and writing and cooking and cleaning and crafting and working out and simply living life. Well, then the garbage wouldn't consistently be picked up and the mail wouldn't consistently be delivered and projects would go uncompleted. and products would go unmade. and the economy would be all messed. If would be nice though, if we didn't have to spend the majority of our lives working. That's my attempt at being poetic. So there it is, in all its glory.

Adventures to Kroger

Sorry that I've been absolutely terrible with updating my blog lately.  I've been sooo busy with school work and stressed about my upcoming tests and frustrated that I STILL am not able to run.  

I would like to say that I have something fun or interesting to share about my weekend, but I don't.  My weekend consisted of studying, riding my bike to Kroger, studying, riding my bike to the rec. center, studying, riding my bike to CVS...get the picture? 

My most "exciting" adventures of the weekend both involved shopping; one at Kroger and one at the dining center.  Before I went to Kroger I loaded a few e-coupons onto my account but I was a little confused about them.  One said that it was for a free box of these breakfast granola mix pouches.  There were some excellent deals at ghetto Kroger, such as a large tub of Greek yogurt for $2.99 and a large bag of spinach for $1.74.  My e-coupon was not misleading me, I got the breakfast-to-go things completely FREE. I left with a backpack full of groceries for $20. Hurrah!

My next exciting trip was to the dining center.  I was thrilled to see that today they had just about every fruit that your heart desires; apples, oranges, pears, plums, bananas, cantaloupe (wow, that's how you spell it??). Jackpot!  The other day I tested out a Pinterest recipe for english muffin veggie pizzas and it was quit successful.  Today they had slices of real mozzarella cheese, like the kind that comes in a big block and is somewhat slimy but not really.  The authentic stuff, you know?  Hopefully you get what I am talking about.  Anyways, I took some of that too because it will be perfect to make those veggie pizza's with.  

So yes, it had been an uneventful weekend.  Now I must get back to studying. Uhhg.

Herbivore

I went home this weekend to bring back my parent's car that I took to school for my injury.  We has salmon for dinner at my Papa's house, which led to the conversation with my parents that I've been somewhat dreading.  I originally began my vegetarian endeavor with eating fish (AKA a pescatarian).  However, I've decided that I am not going to eat fish while I'm at school because, is killing a fish really any different than killing a chicken or a cow or a pig?  The thing is I am still planning on eating fish when my dad makes it at home.  I don't want to be any more difficult for him to cook for than I already am.  Although on the outside my parents are very understanding about my decision not to eat meat, I know that on the inside my dad is judging me and doesn't understand it at all and my mom is just confused as to my reasonings and my stances and my feelings about the subject.  Am I going against my beliefs if I eat fish sometimes?  Fish isn't in the meat category on the food pyramid and Catholics can eat it on Fridays during lent.  Uhg I'm just so confused.  

I have prepared my own little speech for when the frequent question of "why are you a vegetarian?" arises.  I think that it is a bit on the long side though, so I'll condense it when I am actually saying it to someone.  But here is the long version of my stance on the situation at the moment:

Being a vegetarian is....
1. Better for the animals.
Personally, I think that there is absolutely no reason why we should kill a living, breathing creature solely for our own personal benefits.  It's just not necessary when you can get the exact same nutrients from other foods.  

2.Better for the environment.
If you know me well enough, you probably know that I am all for helping/saving the environment whenever possible.  A Vegetarian diet reduces the destruction of tropical rainforests and wildlife habitats.  It reduces waste and devastation of the earth's resources. it also reduces pollution in the land and waters and reduces the production of carbon dioxide. 
Fun Fact:  Aside from the gutted rainforests, up to 5000 gallons of water for is required to raise one pound of beef. According to the US Department of Agriculture statistics, one acre of land can grow 20,000 pounds of potatoes. That same acre of land, when used to grow cattle feed, can produce less than 165 pounds of edible cow flesh.

3. Better for your health.
 According to the American Dietetic Association, vegetarians have a reduced risk of heart disease, obesity, colon cancer, adult-onset diabetes, osteoporosis, gout, gallstones, kidney stones, lung cancer, and breast cancer. A low fat vegetarian diet, combined with regular exercise, helps reduce blood pressure and can control, or even eliminate, non-insulin dependent diabetes.

It's funny how people are completely fine with eating a pig or a cow but if you suggested eating a dog or a horse they would FREAK OUT.  They would probably say that doing so would be wrong and inhumane.  Why?  How is it any different eating a cow than eating a horse?  Just throwing that out there...

So there you have it.  Those are my reasons.  Now are you convinced that you should be a vegetarian too? hahaha I'm just kidding.  I am not here to convert anyone or anything.

  

I've been wondering...

A lot of things lately. For example,

Why do some people live the most cushioned, easy, and and carefree life while other people are forced to deal with sickness, death, financial issues, abuse, depression, etc. The list goes on.  

Why are some people so smart or so talented or so charismatic while others, no matter how hard they try, can't succeed academically or athletically or socially?

In my English class we had to do a 90 second presentation about ourselves.  We had to create a PowerPoint presentation with 6 slides, each only showing for 15 seconds.  My slides included a picture of my family, a runner, Granada Spain, ice cream with rainbow sprinkles, etc.  One guy opened up his presentation with a picture of a glowing cross and some deep little spiel about how God is what wakes him up in the morning.  God is what gets him through the day.  God is his best friend. God is... blah blah blah.  I am not in anyway trying to say that I don't support people being into their religion.  
I am just asking, why (and how) do people let it dominate their life to this extent?  It seems so silly to me.

I have also been wondering why, even though my overhead fan is constantly running and my window is open, my room is always 153 degrees.  I am getting a bit tired of waking up sweaty and gross in the middle of the night.

Lastly, on a happier notes, I wonder why I didn't discover how delicious cottage cheese is sooner.  Good thing they often have it in the dining center so I can sneak some out in a container.  

Just keep swimming...

"No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying." -Tony Robbins

I found this quote yesterday on Pinterest and I absolutely love it. It is so easy to simply compare yourself to everyone else. In reality, the only comparison that we should make is between our past self and our present self. As this quote says, the effort that you put forth is what really matters. It doesn't even matter if you achieved your goal in the end. We often forget how vitally important mistakes are. Mistakes are how we learn. We learn that we cannot always succeed and we learn what we might do differently the next time around. We learn our limitations, but these limitations should not hold us back. This brings me to another one of my favorite quotes: "Know your limits and then ignore them."  

Two years ago when I hurt my foot I realized just how slow progress can be. I was way too anxious to get back to running. As much as I tried to be patient, it was tearing me up inside. This time around I am constantly keeping in mind that with an injury, it is going to be a slow and steady healing process. Today I broke out my new swim cap and goggles at the rec. center. I am so legit looking as I casually swim super slow laps with awful swimming form. However, I do feel like my technique has improved significantly over these past few days of lap swimming. I'm making progress.

My Spanish Sucks.

I am only taking one Spanish class this semester and then I will be done with the Spanish major.  Sadly, I don't really like the class though. There are a decent amount of grad students or Hispanic people who put the rest of us to shame.  It doesn't help that I am way too out of practice with speaking Spanish.  When I attempt to participate in class, I just babble like an idiot, mis-conjugating verbs like crazy and forgetting important vocabulary words.  It's pretty frustrating. 

A girl that I had a few of my Spanish classes here at ISU is studying abroad in Granada this semester.  I have been stalking her blog and I am so jealous as she mentions all of the familiar sights and people, such as El Parque Fredrico Garcia Lorca and the program leaders Dani and Jorge.  She is off in a beautiful foreign country, surrounded by Spaniards and soaking up the beautiful Spanish language while I am here struggling to form sentences in my one and only Spanish class.  Blahhh.

I had a dream last night that I was traveling through Mexico.  As dreams usually are, this one is difficult to explain.  All that I know is that I was able to communicate with some Mexican shopkeeper and it was successful and helpful and awesome. 

I am taking two ESL classes this semester for my TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages) minor and I like those.  My Rhetoric class is decent but I LOVE my teaching of literature class. The teacher is so passionate and able to make every class session different and fun.  Maybe I should just be an English teacher.  I think I'd be better at that anyways.

Crippled

Yesterday, three miles into running a half marathon, I pulled or tore or sprained my groin.  I had some mild pain a few days leading up to the race, but I was still able to run on it.  I knew that it would hurt a bit during the race, but I figured it was something that I could just tough out.  I was okay the first mile or two but then, a little past mile three, something went terribly wrong.  I could barely walk and I had to slowly and painfully limp about six blocks to the aid station but the start/finish area.  

It was pretty terrifying.  I was in so much pain.  I couldn't move my left leg.  I tried to use my mom as a crutch, but even that was a huge struggle.  I was so ready to kick some ass in that race.  All summer long I had been running with Alyssa.  We did 12 mile long runs on the weekends and they felt great.  I was so devastated when it happened.  However, I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and that things have a way of working out in the end.  

Running is such a huge part of who I am.  It is my stress reliever   It is what gets me awake and moving in the morning.  Now all I can do is be smart and be patient.  I'll stretch and swim and ice and heat.  As my mom and dad did anything and everything to help me out after the race and as I talked to my sister on the phone, I thought to myself just how extremely lucky I am to have them in my life.  I can't stress enough how much those three mean to me.  

Day number one on my $2 Goodwill crutches was a little rough.  My armpits and all the area around them hurts/aches. and I am already annoyed with being so limited and dependent.  I never realized how much we take for granted, like being able to get dressed in the morning with ease.  I really hope that this injury heals soon though...

I'm still confused.

I am having somewhat the opposite experience with the shared roommate spaces that I had last semester.  When I moved in to my last apartment, it was one girl's second year in that apartment.  Apparently the old roommates decided to leave several items in the apartment, such as ridiculous amounts of canned and boxed food, toothpaste, bath products, etc.  At one point we had six bottles of shampoo in the shower.  Everything was in excess.  

I'm confused as to why none of my roommates leave their toothbrushes, toothpaste, face wash, and other toiletry items in our bathroom.  Do they think this is still dorm life where you can't leave things in the bathroom?  I don't get it.  We have a large cabinet under the double sinks in our bathroom.  I keep my mouth wash, toothpaste, face wash, moisturizer, and a few other items under it.  I'm taking up about one third of the available storage space, yet there is NOTHING else under the sink besides toilet paper. 

Then there is the kitchen.  My roommates also keep just about nothing in the fridge.  Last semester our fridge was always overloaded.  My roommates would sometimes buy things and forget that they were in the fridge.  It got to the point where I would start throwing some of their forgotten food items away without saying anything, such as fruit and produce, because they were starting to go bad.  

Although all of these things are strange, they are not problematic.  However, there is one thing that is somewhat bothersome to me.  The two girls who are friends from their hometown always use paper and plastic plates and silverware. WHY?? We have so many plates and cups and plenty of silverware.  It's so wasteful and bad for the environment. Oh well, to each his own.  

Are my roommates alive?

Last night my roommates and I hosted an apartment warming party.  I was a little nervous about it at first, but it turned out to be a lot of fun.  My friend from run club brought his three guy friends along and they were all really cool.  I found out that one of them is the older brother of one of my favorite coworkers at Dairy Queen. What a small world! Not so fun was when some guy threw up on our carpet and when my half empty bottle of Malibu mysteriously disappeared along with my deck of cards.  Oh well that's the risk that you take when you host a party.

The current time is 12:40 PM, which means that I have been up for exactly five hours.  I have ran, showered, eaten breakfast, taken a load of empty bottles and cans to the recycling bin down the street because our bin is overflowing, rode my bike to ghetto Kroger, eaten lunch, and am now blogging.  My roommates are all still asleep in there rooms and it is making me feel very confused and disoriented. Two of the girls have been here since Monday, yet have almost nothing in our fridge.  What they do have is a bunch of pantry items like mac and cheese and ramen noddles along with frozen pizza rolls, corn dogs, etc.  

I will never understand how to many people live like this.  Then again, I'm guessing that the majority of people would think that I'm the insane one considering that I was up at 7:40 this morning after being up until 2 AM the night before...

Home

Although huge, gorgeous, million dollar homes are pretty sweet, I would never want one.  I know that my mom is semi disappointed that we are still living in out tiny "starter home."  I also know that it doesn't help that several of our cousins live in one of these ginormous million dollar houses.  When I someday have a house of my own, I definitely want a house that is on the smaller side.  I would like a cozy one that doesn't take a lot of time and effort to maintain.  I am not going to be SUPER picky, but my ideal house would (on the outside) be a mixture of yellow siding and brick, have a front porch, a sun room, two bathrooms, and a decent size kitchen.  Large houses are just a pain to clean and not as comfy and inviting.  I'd take a small cottage over a huge mansion any day.

Grandma Status

Lately I have becoming even more grandma-like, with the exception of the fact that work forces me to not go to bed until around 11:30 instead of my normal 10 PM bedtime.  There are several reasons why I am becoming more like a grandma...

First of all, I have come to the conclusion that being sun burnt is not worth the pain and the skin damage.  Therefore, when I am outside for an extended period of time, I always make a point to apply massive amounts of sunscreen and to reapply frequently.  Yesterday at Target I bought an adorable sun hat for only $7! I can't wait to break it out tomorrow at the Wisconsin State Fair.  Since my hair is so obnoxiously thin, my scalp usually burns when I'm outside. Gotta protect my head.  

I love that we now get two Sunday papers (the Daily Herald and the Chicago Tribune).  That means I can be even more of an extreme couponer than I already am.  My dad likes to make fun of me for collecting so many coupons.  However, the joke was on him when we saved $22 on out massive back-to-school Walmart shopping trip the other day.  Hah!

Finally, I am glad that I have the attitude that I don't care about this "grandma status" of mine. Who cares if the people around me give me strange looks when I break out the sunscreen in the middle of a set a Lollapalloza?  What does it matter if people give me shocked and confused looks when I mention that I normally go to bed about 2 hours earlier than the average college student?  I get up early every single day to run so I believe that it is justified.  

I am going to try to be better about writing in my blog more often.  I know that I've been slacking lately.  

The Universe

Today at Barnes and Nobles I purchased a beautiful, Eco friendly journal that is 100% handmade by woman in Nepal using local raw material.  It's so cool! Now I am going to have to find a balance between writing in that and writing in my blog. 

When I search Google for "facts about" the first two things that came up were facts about dreams and facts about the Sun.  Sadly, the facts about dreams were surprisingly uninteresting.  However, I did find some fascinating facts about the Sun.  Apparently, the Sun accounts for 99.8% of the mass of the Solar System.  Most of the remaining 0.2% comes from Jupiter, so the Earth is only a fraction of a fraction of the mass of the Solar System.  In reality, we barely exist!

It's so crazy to think about just how small we are in comparison to the entire Universe.  The Solar System is sooo interesting and ginormous and mysterious and cool.  How far does it actually go?  There has to be more out there than we know about.  Are there other planets with life on them?  Ahhh I want to know. Trying to comprehend just how infinite the Universe is hurts my brain.  Therefore, I tend not to give it too much thought.  

Longevity

I am currently in Covington, Kentucky with Mom and Alyssa.  We are staying with the Gergels until Monday and then taking Grandma home with us for about two weeks. Hurrah! Grandma is so entertaining now a days.  Sadly, part of the reason why she is so entertaining is because her memory is so terrible.  She doesn't even remember who I am half of the time.  This morning she asked me if the Gergel's cat was my cat. I also had to bust her three times for eating the M&M's that we attempted to hide from her.  Chocolate is definitely one of her weaknesses.  

Alyssa sometimes says that when she gets old she is just going to be like whatever, I am eating whatever I want because I am old and I deserve it and it really doesn't matter anymore.  I wonder what my philosophy is going to be when I am old.  I recently read in a magazine that studies show that people who follow a vegetarian diet are more likely to live longer.  The longest life expectancy is for pesco-vegetarians, who still eat fish, so it looks the odds are in my favor.  I like to tell myself that it is one of my life goals to live a long, long time; as in over 100 years.  However, I am not a fan of the idea of outliving several of my friends and family.

I love reading articles about very old people.  The last Real Simple magazine had a section about people who where over 100 years old.  There was a page dedicated to each person and included information such as the number of times they had been married, how many kids they had, their secret to living so long, etc.  Each story was so interesting to read.  My favorite was Harold, who had been married to his wife for some ridiculous amount of years, I want to say at least 60.  He said how they still love to do all of these activities together, like go on walks and go to the theater.  I am so impressed that so many of these 100+ aged people are still so active.  

Honestly, I rarely think about getting old.  Or about death.  Or about my loves one dying.  I figure when I'm 22 years old, and therefore have about 80 years left in my life (whoa!), it is not something that is worth thinking about.  

This week has been extremely uneventful.  My summer classes are over and I only had two days of work during the week.  I don't really know how to enjoy having free time.  Although I have started reading Eat, Pray, Love and am enjoying it, I always feel like I should be doing something more productive. I've baked smores brownies. I've crafted.  I've organized.  I've cleaned. I've taken some quality naps. I've gone on some random shopping trips. I wish I could just embrace having all of this free time but it just makes me anxious and confused and somewhat annoyed.  Well, I suppose that I will go and read my book.  

Shopping

I have a bad habit when I go shopping.  It doesn't matter if it is clothes shopping, grocery shopping, or random shopping at the mall or at Target.  What I tend to do is take waaaay too long to make up my mind.  First, I stand there in the aisle and examine all of the options.  I stare each one down for a bit, pick up one, examine it, put it back, examine the next one, go back to the other one, compare and contrast all of the options, walk away, then often end up coming back.  It's bad.  Sometimes I even get as far as walking to the register and then I make a split second decision to go back and grab a different option.  When I am picking out a new ice cream at the grocery store, it is inevitable that it is going to be a long and difficult decision to make.  Do I want to go with the cheapest off brand or splurge a little bit and get the Edy's or Breyer's brand?  Should I get chocolate chip or cookie dough or a fun new flavor or maybe even the new fro-yo one? I do love fro-yo but will dad like it too?  I was at Walmart an hour or so ago to buy a pack of cotton v-neck t shirts.  Simple enough right? Wrong.  There was Fruit of the Loom and Hanes and three packs and five packs and tight fit and more.  Uhg.  Although having many options is nice, sometimes it makes shopping that much more complicated and stressful.  I really must work on making up my mind quicker and sticking to my decision.  

I don't understand

A lot of things about people.

I don't understand how people waste their mornings sleeping until noon.
I love getting a somewhat early start to the day and having lots of time in the morning to run, shower, eat, catch up on my social networks, and relax.  

I don't understand how the majority of people love dogs, and how a lot have a strange and intense devotion to their dogs.
Personally, I find dogs to be rather annoying.  They slobber all over you and bark obnoxiously at people and always want to be pet and played with and taken care of.  

I don't understand how people don't freak out when they put off huge homework assignments, research papers, projects, etc. until the last few days or the night before.
I know that I am a little to the extreme end when it comes to getting things done way ahead of time, but what are they doing for weeks that they don't think to at least get a decent start on it?  My guess is not much.  They just don't want to do it earlier.

To each his own I suppose.  I just could never live like that.

This picture is completely unrelated to the post but it is pretty awesome.  However, I did cut up a watermelon yesterday.  There isn't must more delicious or refreshing than watermelon in the summertime. yum yum yum.  

RIP Peli

My fish died today.  He has been on a slow decline ever since I returned from South Carolina.  I am really hoping that it wasn't because my dad appears to have overfed him while I was gone.  Every time I walk into my room I have to do a double take when I don't see Peli's tank sitting on my desk.  I was pretty attached to that little fish.  Why do my fish always die so soon?! Maybe I should take this as a sign. 

My dad and I had some nice bonding time over tacos.  It was just us two for dinner and we had a great conversation about work and school and life.  He mentioned that my mom had told him about my blog post about his negativity and that he was trying to be less negative.  Although I'm glad that he now has a heads up about it, I feel bad that he seems to have taken it to heart.

I finished up with my Educational Psychology online class today.  Now I have to deal with three more weeks of my TESOL class that is so confusing and over my head.  Since it's only  a four week long online class, there are assignments every day AND a 10-15 page research paper.  Oye Vey.  Pretty much all of my time is consumed by school work and actual work, but I'm somewhat okay with that.  I am managing to keep busy during this friendless summer and making some good money at the same time.  

For some reason I have become very concerned about wasting time lately.  The days are slipping away way too quickly.  There is so much that I want to accomplish each day and not enough time to do it.  Do I get ahead in my summer class? Do I read my book? Should I actually allow myself to sit back and do nothing? It is an ongoing inner struggle.  

What Could Have Been

I haven't been blogging very much lately and I'm not really sure why.  It's a combination of forgetting to do so, working on my online summer classes a lot, and just not really having much that I want to write about.

This morning it was raining when I woke up.  Although I try to avoid running inside at all costs, I opted for the rec. so that I could run on the indoor track.  Usually I just run in the rain (even if it's pouring) but I wasn't feeling it today.  I was very confused when I saw a ton of younger girls in huge, prom-like dresses strutting around the gym at the community center.  Apparently it was the Regional baton twirler pageant.  

About half way into my run a woman who was probably in her 40's entered the track.  It was a frightening sight for several reasons. First of all, her body was freakishly thin.  Her thighs were non existent.  By that I mean that her legs were so skinny that there wasn't even a different between the circumference of her calves compared to that of her upper legs.  Her shoulder bones protruded from underneath her tank top.  The yoga shorts that she was wearing, which are meant to be skin tight, were baggy on her. 

Senior year of high school, when my body had been tormented by the years of cross country running paired with restrictive eating, my body looked very similar to hers.  The pictures from those years in my life still haunt me sometimes.  Although I no that I still have more work to do with looking healthy again, I am on my way. I actually have thighs.  I have newly formed fat on my stomach which I have learned to embrace as a sign of progress.   

This woman was a look into what could have been if I had continued down that path.  Unfortunately when I was in Spain I made a few backwards steps, but I have recovered from that.  Last week when I saw my family for my cousins wedding, two of my aunts actually commented to my mom that my body was looking good.  I can't even explain how much that meant to me. 

I wonder what that woman thinks when she looks in the mirror.  I wonder what her story is.  I wonder if she is worried or embarrassed about her current state.  Or is she just in denial? Possibly. I guess I will never know...

Open Bar and Giant Cupcakes

Mom, Alyssa, and I road tripped down to South Carolina.  We left at 5 AM on Thursday.  The drive was 15 hours long and slightly brutal.  My contribution to the driving consisted of taking the first shift of three hours.  I only drove for three hours on the way back too, but Mom and Alyssa didn't mind.  We stayed in South Carolina until Monday, leaving at 6 AM (so 5 AM our time because it is in a different time zone).  The trip was so much fun! We rented a big house with the New York Pojmans, Grandma, and the Gergles.  On Friday and Sunday we spent the majority of the day at Folly Beach, which was only a ten minute drive from our rented house.


Saturday was cousin Anna's wedding. The reception was at a hotel that was right along the beach.  An open bar allowed us to FINALLY get Beau to live a little and have some drinks ;) I discovered that a whisky ginger is rather delicious.  The center pieces at each table was a hugeee cupcake.  They were made by one of the winners of the TV show Cupcake Wars.  Pretty Sweet.  Our table had a red velvet one, which was apparently in high demand.  Alyssa and I were on the other side of the dance floor plotting to steal the cupcakes from the unused tables.  We both looked over at our table and witnessed a man take a huge slice of the red velvet cupcake from our table without any of our cousins who were sitting at the table noticing.  We then determined that it was a cupcake free for all.  We also managed to leave the ceremony with three huge and uneaten cupcakes, which our family devoured for dessert the following night.  

I usually don't make posts that are so "diary like" but I feel like it is necessary to document this major event of the summer.  The days are flying by way too quickly.  I can't believe that it is already mid June.  Time needs to slow down is all that I can say. 

Thank you.

Yesterday I was making myself some tacos before I headed off to work.  It was a simple meal to prepare. All I was doing was warming up leftover black beans and corn shells, cutting up a few avocado slices, and using leftover Caputo's salsas.  My dad came into the kitchen, saw me preparing dinner, and said "thanks for taking care of your dinner."  I think that my parents often forget that for the majority of the year (when I am at school) I prepare my own meals every single day.  I forget exactly what I was talking about with my mom, but I said something encouraging to her.  "you're right!" she exclaimed.  "Thank you for the advise.  Thank you for being you." (I can't remember her exact wording, but you get the jist). It was an interesting compliment, but still very nice to receive.  

 I love when my parents thank me and show appreciation for things that, in reality, don't really require acknowledgment or praise.  When people have a special skill or  talent that sets them apart for the rest, it is easy to compliment them.  If you are artistic, it shouldn't be much of a challenge to obtain compliments on your art, especially by those who are not artistic.  If you are a fast runner, which the times and places will clearly indicate, it is very likely that people will want to congratulate you and acknowledge such accomplishments.  These types of "skill" compliments are great, but they really aren't based on YOU or your personality.  

Isn't it sad that giving someone a compliment such as "I love your hair!" or "That is such a pretty shirt." is frequent and normal sounding but compliments such as "You are a really generous and caring person" or "Thanks for taking the extra time to do ____ for me/us/them etc." are infrequent and sound somewhat awkward?

Uhg now that I am talking about compliments I am thinking about the 10 page paper that I had to right for my ESL class about the compliment study that we conducted. It was terrible. I am also thinking about how, in that same semester, I took Grammar and we learned about adjectival complements (with an "e" instead of an "i").  Now I am not sure which type is spelled with an "i" and which one with an "e." Ohh the struggle...