Death

I don't understand it.  I don't want to acknowledge it.  I don't want to worry about it.  I don't want to think about it.  I don't want anything to do with it because, in reality, is there anything positive or happy or uplifting or pleasant about it?

My Papa died today.  Some would say he "passed away" or that he "is in a better place now." But no, he died. He is the opposite of alive.  What does the verb passing have to do with the word dying?  Nothing. 

I am experiencing a very similar grieving experience as when my Grandma passed away several years ago.  I feel so...honestly, I can't even put it into words but I'll try.  I feel empty and hollow and almost (I absolutely hate to say this) but emotionless.  I just don't want to confirm in my mind that it's real.  That I'll never see him again.  That he is literally gone forever. 

Oh my god, I hate this.  I hate thinking about that concept, which is why I don't.  As I was searching for a quote for this blog post, the song "I'll Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie came on.  Well, that is when I started to get really emotional.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I get teary eyed and emotional when I listen to really amazing songs or really sad songs, yet I can't even feel the the same deep and profound emotions with the death of my own grandfather.  THAT is what makes me want to cry. 

I'm more confused than sad, which is terrible and making me sad but not about death and now I don't even know what I'm saying or feeling.  This is a vicious cycle.  Ayuda.